Maryland Mediation Blog

Recently, a small group of people gathered to honor the birthday of a middle aged woman ("birthday girl"). She, her two young adult daughters, and three other women dined at a family owned Mediterranean restaurant. The waitstaff are always friendly and accommodating, and the aging owner delivers a free plate of assorted desserts to his regular customers.

Usually the volume in the restaurant is such that you can hear the conversation at your own table, and if you really listen, perhaps that of the table next to you. This evening was different because of the frequent and abrasive remarks of birthday girl sitting two tables away. "This bread isn't fresh!" She barked.

When the waitress apologetically replaced the bread, birthday girl did not acknowledge the waitress. When the appetizers were delivered, birthday girl hissed, "this tea does not have enough ice!"

"I'm sorry Ma'am." The waitress responded apologetically. "I will bring you another glass."

When the waitress returned with another glass of iced tea, birthday girl snarled, "why didn't you give us more olives?" By this time, birthday girl's daughters and friends looked as if they wanted to crawl under the table.

"Yes, Ma'am, I will bring you more olives right away." The waitress said as she scurried back to the kitchen.

Birthday girl could have obtained everything she wanted without embarrassing herself, her daughters, friends, and the waitress.

Especially when you are angry, how you communicate effects how you are heard. Emotions significantly effect communication and negotiation. If you are having difficulty getting your point across, or settling a dispute your emotions may be in the way. You do not have to lose the emotion, but, you may need to communicate more "creatively."

Mediation is confidential way to resolve problems. A mediator is a neutral third party who can help you communicate and negotiate more effectively. Mediators assist people in dispute to communicate more effectively, despite the strong emotions in the room, examine issues, identify solutions, and negotiate agreements.

In my Maryland mediation practice it is possible to schedule a mediation the same week you call. You may be able to reach an agreement in one session. Mediation costs $100 per hour per person. There are no up front retainers.

Do you have a dispute which you have not been able to resolve? Are you thinking about filing, or have you filed, a lawsuit?

Is your argument well supported by law? Or, are you hoping the passion of your moral and/or ethical argument will persuade a judge to overlook the fact your argument is not supported by law?

Are you comfortable with 50:50 odds in court? What happens if you go to court and do not win?

Do you know what you say in court is not confidential?

Would you consider a confidential alternative to going to court?

Mediation is a confidential win - win process. A mediator is a neutral third party who facilitates communication between people in dispute. A mediator assists people in dispute identify issues and alternative solutions, and negotiate and reach an agreement. A mediator is not a judge and does not decide who wins or loses, or who has the best argument.

If you are unable to reach an agreement in mediation you still have the right to go to court. Furthermore, what you discuss in mediation may not be discussed in court.

In my Maryland mediation practice it may be possible to schedule a mediation session the same week you call.

Depending on the nature of your dispute, you may reach a resolution in one session.

The cost is $100 per hour per person.

Mediation is a confidential process where a neutral third party, the mediator, helps parties resolve conflict. All parties to the mediation sign a mediation agreement which includes a confidentiality statement where the participants agree what is said during mediation will not be told to anyone else. Mediation helps employers and employees resolve disputes and negotiate agreements. Mediation is voluntary. Mediation helps reduce workplace disputes, maintains, and sometimes even repairs relationships. Mediation allows the parties to gain a better understanding of workplace issues. Whereas, litigation usually drives the final nail in the coffin of a relationship.

The mediator is neutral, does not judge which party's argument or point of view is stronger, or who is guilty or innocent. The mediator helps the parties discuss any misunderstandings, issues in conflict, areas of agreement, underlying concerns, and assists the parties to negotiate a resolution.The mediator is not a decision maker nor does the mediator have authority to enforce the terms of the parties' negotiated agreement.

All parties necessary to settle the dispute should be present at the mediation. It is not, however, necessary for the parties to have attorneys present at the mediation. The parties have an equal opportunity to speak and decide the terms of settlement. However, in my Maryland mediation practice, I suggest all parties, prior to signing, have the final draft of their negotiated agreement reviewed by independent counsel.

Mediation, especially when pursued soon after a conflict arises saves time and the cost of prolonged litigation. Employment mediation allows the parties to settle the conflict in one session. Additionally, mediation gives the parties the certainty of creating their own negotiated agreement as opposed to an Order issued by a judge. Generally, parties that mediate are more satisfied with the outcome than those who leave their fate to a judge's decision.

Couples who choose to mediate and who agree on terms for settlement of issues, such as child custody, visitation, division of marital property, including home, money, pensions, and other property, should obtain legal advice before signing a final agreement. As part of my Maryland mediation practice I suggest that each party hire his/her own attorney to review the agreement. However, the process of getting to an agreement can be yours free of attorneys.

Mediation is a cost effective, and confidential process which is very helpful for couples trying to get to "yes," that is, trying to resolve issues necessary in order to move forward with their lives. Couples may schedule an introductory session to meet the mediator together, or separately, and decide whether or not mediation is right for them. If a couple decides to proceed with mediation, they will usually need between one and four sessions, each about two hours, to work out the terms of an agreement.

A mediator is a neutral third party who assists couples discuss the list of issues on which they cannot agree; explore various possibilities for resolving each issue; consider which possibilities are most likely to work for them; and to reach a final agreement.

After the couple finishes their mediation sessions, the mediator can draft a document which memorializes the terms of the agreement. The document details with specificity the arrangements the couple chose. Once the couple signs the document they have a binding contract. If one or the other violates the terms of the agreement the party who was violated may bring it to the attention of the other and request the violation be cured. If that is unsuccessful, the parties can return to mediation. A mediator can assist the parties to resolve the violation, however, the mediator does not have the power to enforce the terms of the agreement. If the couple are not able to resolve the matter of the violation of the agreement through mediation, the party who was "damaged" may choose to seek a remedy from the court.

Even partners who split on good terms have difficulty coping with change. It is possible for you and your partner, on your own, to decide how to handle the issues which must be resolved. However, sitting down and having a "civilized" conversation with your partner may be more than you can handle. Couples who are unable to engage in civilized discussion may have disagreements which escalate to full blown disputes. At that time couples may find themselves involved with the legal system.

Mediation is an alternative method of dispute resolution that is useful when you are separating from a marriage, a civil union, or living with someone. Mediation allows you and your partner to meet face-to-face to discuss arrangements for your future. Mediation is confidential and provides an environment where both parties can feel safe discussing their situation and exploring scenarios for settlement. Mediation is especially helpful if you have children.

A mediator assists couples talk to each other. The more comfortable parents are talking to each other the healthier the situation is for the children. Parents who are comfortable talking to each other make separation easier for children.

A mediator is a neutral third party. Mediators do not give legal advice or decide issues. In my Maryland mediation practice I assist couples put strong emotions on the side and discuss practical solutions for difficult issues, such as children, home, money, and other property.

Couples who are unable to discuss issues with each other may end up spending a lot of money for attorneys to negotiate a settlement for them. If the couple is still unable to resolve their issues with attorneys, the couple will have a stranger, a judge, decide their future. Couples who want to maintain control of their future choose mediation.

For the convenience of Maryland Mediation Blog readers, the following is an index of article titles and dates published.

After you click on a hyperlink, you may need to scroll down the page to locate the article.

"What Is Mediation?" - January 2, 2009

"What Is A Mediator?" - January 5, 2009

"Why Choose Mediation?"" - January 12, 2009

"What Happens During Mediation?" - January 19, 2009

"Becoming A Mediator In Maryland" - January 26, 2009

"Choosing A Maryland Mediator "- February 2, 2009

"Premarital Mediation"- February 9, 2009

"Marital Conflicts" - February 11, 2009

"Parent-Teen Mediation" - February 13, 2009

"Divorce Mediation" - February 16, 2009

"Elder Care Issue Resolution" - February 20, 2009

"Non-Adversarial v. Adversarial Approaches to Dispute Resolution" - February 23, 2009

"Impartial? Make Sure The Evidence Is Preserved" - March 1, 2009
(This article is about the Social Security Administration's Administrative Hearing Process and a representative of the Social Security Administration.)

"Mediation - For The Sake Of The Children" - March 9, 2009

"Mediator Or Legal Advisor" - March 16, 2009

"Separation" - March 23, 2009

"Separation Agreement" - March 29, 2009

"Conflicts In Religious Groups" - April 12, 2009

"Child Custody" - April 19, 2009

"Telephone Mediation" - April 26, 2009

"Disputes Between Neighbors" - May 3, 2009

"Thank You" - May 10, 2009

"End Of Life Issues - Guardianship" - May 17, 2009

"End Of Life Issues - Spirituality" - May 24, 2009

"Your Dog Is Killing My Lawn" - June 1, 2009

"Divorce And The Marriage Of Psychology and Mediation" - June 7, 2009

"Whose Child Is It - Individual Conflict Resolution?" - June 14, 2009

"Domestic Violence And Mediation" - June 21, 2009

"Elder Issues - Telephone Mediation" - June 28, 2009

"Post Divorce Mediation" - July 6, 2009

"When The Relationship Is Over But The War Keeps Going" - July 13, 2009

"Divorce, Children, and Boundaries" - July 20, 2009

"Separation & Divorce and Parent - Teen Mediation" - July 27, 2009

"Co-Parenting During Separation and/or Divorce" - August 3, 2009

"District Court And Community Mediation In The State Of Maryland" - August 10, 2009

"Circuit Court Mediation In The State Of Maryland" - August 17, 2009

"Construction Mediation" - August 24, 2009

"Mediation & Business Disputes With Friends (Part I) " - August 31, 2009

"Mediation & Business Disputes With Friends (Part II)" - September 7, 2009

"Peer Mediation - Students Helping Students Resolve Conflict" - September 14, 2009

"Bullying Is Not Just A Rite Of Passage" - September 21, 2009

"Mediation Makes Sense For Parents And Teens" - September 29, 2009

"Separation and Divorce - Scheduling Mediation" - October 6, 2009

"How To Get Ready For Mediation" - October 12, 2009

Before you contact a mediator sort out what you want to mediate. Have an idea what you want from mediation. Keep in mind the person with whom you have a dispute may not trust you and therefore has no reason to agree to use the mediator you choose. If you can convince him/her to consider mediation, you might want to give him/her the contact information of two or more mediators, then discuss with each other which mediator to use.

Before mediation consider whether there are any terms under which you would consider settling your dispute. While you may be certain your argument is stronger, keep in mind you may obtain new or additional information at mediation which may allow you to see things differently. If, however, there are absolutely no terms under which you would consider settling, consider whether mediation is worth your time. You may prefer to gamble and let a judge decide your destiny.

Prior to mediation you will receive an agreement to sign. The agreement is a list of terms to which you agree when you mediate, including, but not limited to, a confidentiality statement, which states what is said in mediation is not to be repeated to anyone else without the permission of both parties. Additionally, if an agreement is not reached and the matter goes to court, neither party may quote in court what was said in mediation. Furthermore, the mediator cannot be subpoenaed to testify in court.

A neutral third party, my goal is to level, and keep the "playing field" level. When mediating conflicts related to separation and divorce, which are not referred to me by the court, if one party has an attorney and the other does not, I prefer the attorney, in the interest of balance, not attend the mediation. Furthermore, if the matter is domestic, and has been referred by the court, attorneys usually choose not to attend. However, in other civil, non-domestic matters attorneys frequently attend mediation.

It is not necessary to bring a stack of documents to mediation with you. The mediator will not review the documents in order to decide which party wins or loses. However, bringing to the mediation a list of issues you consider relevant to your dispute may be useful to ensure you address each one or include them in a summary of the facts.

If an agreement is reached in mediation, the parties may request the mediator draft a document which memorializes the terms of the agreement. I advise parties to contact an attorney for the purpose of reviewing any Agreement I draft prior to each party signing the Agreement. Keep in mind, should one or both parties violate the Agreement, the mediator is not responsible for enforcing its terms. The parties may, however, petition and seek a remedy from the court.

Mediation is voluntary. There are no up front retainers, and you pay as you go. Fees for mediation vary. In my Maryland mediation practice the fee is based on an hourly rate and is due at the time of mediation. Prior to attending the mediation session, the parties are expected to decide between themselves how the fee will be divided among them. Mediation sessions are usually scheduled for a minimum two hours. You may, however, try an introductory session, which is one to two hours. Should you find mediation is of no benefit to you, you are under no obligation to continue.

A type of psychotherapy, marriage counseling allows couples to discuss their relationship, and how they feel about it. Marriage counseling provides treatment for a spectrum of behavioral, mental, and emotional problems. Marriage counseling is most successful when a couple is still in love, wants to save their relationship, and is open to
therapy.

Mediation is not psychotherapy. It is not marriage counseling. Mediation during separation and divorce helps couples find and negotiate solutions to issues related to the unraveling of their relationship, for example: Parenting i.e., custody, visitation and support; Property i.e., the division of marital property (real estate, and personal), assets, pensions, and debt; Insurance i.e., health, life, and auto; Taxes i.e., filing, and refunds; and Spousal support i.e., alimony.

In my Maryland mediation practice I initially meet with both parties simultaneously. A neutral and impartial third party, I will not, prior to meeting the couple, speak to either party alone.

Couples who choose to mediate during separation or divorce are often able to reach an agreement after three to four mediation sessions. Each session is two hours in length. Couples are directed to visit and read Mdmediator.com to find answers to their mediation questions prior to scheduling mediation. Additionally, earlier articles published throughout this blog, which are easily accessed in the "Monthly Archives" section on the right margin of the blog are helpful, as well as the January 19, 2009, article, (scroll down the page after clicking on the link), "What Happens During Mediation?"

After reading Mdmediator.com as well as the articles published on this blog, couples who continue to have questions about mediation may schedule an introductory mediation session to meet me and ask questions. Prior to contacting my office, please speak to each other and make a list of three or four dates and times you are both available. With that information in hand, then contact my office and schedule a day or evening mediation session.

Communication is essential for healthy relationships. The family is the first place we learn to communicate. The level of each family member 's growth and development influences how they communicate within the family. Furthermore the stage at which the family is, as a unit, influences the way in which they communicate. For example, newlyweds communicate differently than couples married for decades. Parents of young children communicate differently than parents of teenagers.

People who take charge, challenge authority, and take risks communicate differently than those who "go with the flow," and do not question authority. Differences in communication styles may cause conflict within families. Additionally, how family members work through issues influences their communication styles and problem solving abilities.  

The family unit is the "stage" on which the family "drama" unfolds. Each family member plays a role. How family members listen, or not, is significant with respect to the support family members give one another. Conflict may arise if members do not support one another, for example, if one parent takes a firm approach to parenting, while the other does not, and the parents disagree with one another in front of the children, problems arise and conflict is a frequent visitor. While younger children may find comfort in a firm, unchanging, family structure middle schoolers and teens are prone to act out, demand more flexibility, and expect options.

Discussing rules for bed time, bathing, homework, household chores, going out with friends, and curfews, before they are broken is helpful in establishing expectations. Similarly, explaining privileges and consequences for rules honored and broken is helpful before there is a misunderstanding. Meeting at meal times, or an established "family time" to discuss issues such as these is an effective way to maintain healthy family communication. Whether or not children and adults agree with one another, articulating respect for each others ideas goes a long way toward maintaining healthy family relations.

In my Maryland mediation practice parents benefit from participation in mediation. They gather information and obtain communication skills which help them deal effectively with issues which trigger conflict. Mediation assists parents alter the way they manage family conflict, strengthen their ability to work together, and problem solve. Parent-teen mediation is also effective for helping families communicate as a unit rather than focusing blame on an individual family member. Furthermore, while teens and parents frequently do not agree on issues, mediation assists parents and teens deal with disagreement more peacefully and less stressfully.

In the State of Maryland, where I practice mediation, the Code of Maryland Regulations provides "all students in Maryland's Public Schools, without exception, and regardless of race, ethnicity, region, religion, gender, sexual orientation, language, socioeconomic status, age or disability have the right to educational environments that are safe; optimal for academic achievement; and free from any form of harassment." Unfortunately, as in all other States, bullying also occurs in Maryland schools. Students who are bullied have difficulty defending themselves and consequently their ability to benefit from the education and activities offered in school are adversely affected.

Bullying occurs where there is an imbalance of power and strength and one or more students repeatedly and aggressively victimize another. Students who bully may use physical force or engage in other behaviors to gain power over students who are perceived as weaker or vulnerable. Bullies may harass their victims in other ways where adults will not typically notice, for example via email, texts, and instant messages. Online harassment and threats may be reported to police and Internet Service Providers. Bullies have a difficult time recognizing or appreciating others' feelings. Adult intervention is often necessary to stop bullying. However, teachers, school staff, and other adults need to ensure victims are not additionally harmed when an adult steps in to help.

Schools need to be receptive to reports of bullying, ensure that staff respond quickly, and that adequate follow-up is made.Teachers, bus drivers, librarians, cafeteria workers, school nurses, and all non-teaching staff need to address the issue of bullying if it happens on their watch. Additionally, students and parents must be provided information about the rules and consequences related to bullying.

Students who witness bullying should be expected to report what they saw, and educated about bullying and what is expected should they witness it again. Role playing is a useful method of teaching students about bullying, expected responses by witnesses, and how to interact socially in order to reduce the likelihood of future bullying. Additionally, bullies may need help related to aggressive behavior or violence they experience outside of school and/or in their home lives.

Teachers and school administrators can include the subject of bullying prevention in the curriculum. For more information for adults, educators, and students visit the website of the U.S. Department of Health Resources and Services Administration. Additionally, the Maryland State Department of Education offers a Power Point presentation on Bullying Prevention.

Mediation of disputes by trained students (peer mediators), helps prevent bullying and violence in schools and resolve conflicts among students. Peer mediation is used in Maryland schools and schools throughout the United States. Peer mediation is a confidential and voluntary process. Peer mediators are trained in conflict management and negotiation skills, which they learn through role-play, and problem based learning.

Peer mediators help keep the peace in schools. They help students in dispute resolve conflicts, but do not make decisions about which student has the winning argument.  Peer mediators seek to move students in dispute from blaming each other to finding a mutually satisfactory resolution to their dispute. Peer mediators help students with issues such as cheating, stealing, classroom and/or extracurricular disputes, rumor spreading/gossip, relationship problems, harassment, racial and cultural conflicts, and fighting. Problems that are more serious, for example, sexual abuse, assault, suicide, drug use, and possession of weapons require professional intervention.

Children more readily speak to their peers than to adults. Peer mediators mirror the diversity found among the students with whom they will mediate, for example, culture, gender, and race. Peer mediators learn communication skills which help them help their peers prevent and resolve conflict. Students with more serious conflicts may be helped by peer mediators to keep disputes out of the judicial system.

Peer mediation seeks to empower students, help them listen to one another, put themselves in the shoes of another student involved in the dispute, discuss the dispute, and think critically. Peer mediators help students improve self-esteem. Additionally, peer mediators help students gain communication and conflict management skills which are used both in and outside of school.

Continue reading "Peer Mediation - Students Helping Students Resolve Conflict" »

What is the value of your dispute? What is your friend willing to pay/offer? How much can you obtain in small claims court? What will it cost you to file a claim? Will you hire an attorney? If you have a contract, will you end up paying more to enforce the contract than it is worth?

How much time do you think a judge will give you and your friend to bicker in the court room? What will you do if the judge tells you to go out in the hall and work it out? When your friendship took on another dimension did you discuss how you would resolve a business dispute? Did you consider if a financial dispute does not kill your friendship that litigation surely will?
Mediation allows friends in dispute to maintain a relationship and in many cases repair it. There are no two people more qualified to debate and resolve the issues of your conflict, than you and your friend. Mediation, unlike litigation is a confidential process. In a court room any one can enter and listen. Mediation is voluntary. Should you and your friend not resolve your dispute in mediation, you have the right to litigate in court, where a stranger (judge) will decide the outcome of your dispute.

In my Maryland mediation practice, mediations are scheduled in a safe, peaceful environment, in two-hour sessions. The fee for mediation is split equally between the parties in dispute. A mediator is a neutral third party, who does not decide which party is right or wrong, or who wins or loses. A mediator assists people in dispute rationally and respectfully discuss the issues in dispute, possible solutions, and negotiate a resolution to the dispute. You and your friend can control your destiny and each walk away with at least some of what you want. If, and when, you litigate a dispute in court, one of you will leave a total loser. Who it is may unfortunately surprise you.

Do you have a home improvement project and a friend who will complete it for less? Do you have a friend who is a photographer, and while he or she does not usually do weddings, has agreed to photograph yours? Are you opening a business? Do you need the skills of your friend to run the business? Is your secretary on indefinite leave? Or, has she quit? Have you in desperation accepted the offer of a friend to work for you?

How did you communicate your expectations to your friend? How much money does your friend expect to receive? Are you sure you agreed to pay, what your friend expects to receive? Did your friend say how long the job would take to complete? What will you do if the job takes significantly longer to complete, or is not completed to your satisfaction or specifications? Did you communicate to your friend the job is temporary or on a trial basis? Did the two of you agree on all the terms? Are you sure?

Friends help friends for free. When friends work for friends, they become employers, employees, or clients. People who work for clients use contracts, which spell out the terms of service and protect both parties in case of dispute.

If you are afraid to insult a friend by insisting on a written agreement, what do you think will happen when there is no agreement and you have a dispute? If your friendship cannot survive the writing of an agreement, will it survive a disagreement?

If you have a dispute with a friend with whom you are doing business, how will you resolve it? Will you go to court? If you do not have a written agreement or contract, what evidence do you have of an agreement? Do you think your friend will agree with what you say when you explain your verbal agreement to the judge? For what relief will you ask the judge? What makes you think you will get it?

(Continued in Part II: Mediation & Business Disputes with Friends)

Construction is costly enough without minor conflicts and disagreements bursting into full blown disputes. Disputes between engineers, architects, contractors, subcontractors, suppliers, and/or owners increase the use of all parties' precious resources that is, time and money.

In my Maryland mediation practice, there are many fact patterns which are heard again and again in construction mediation, such as: the simple act of an owner visiting a construction site causing workers to think they are being second guessed rather than understanding the homeowner is excited about the completion of his/her project and wants to watch the progress; or home owners hiring subcontractors, whose prices appear more than competitive, which fails to camouflage underlying problems, such as the subcontractor's inability to accurately bid the cost of materials and labor, or shoddy performance issues; or architectural firms hiring subcontractors to provide services for agreed upon prices, then halfway through the job subcontractors running into unforeseen difficulties and refusing to continue without more money.

Mediation is a process which assists parties resolve disputes without litigation. In construction mediation, the mediator, a neutral, third party, assists the parties with such issues as contract claims and construction disputes. The aim of construction mediation is to assist the parties to resolve their disputes in as timely and cost effective a manner as possible, while maintaining the business relationship to the extent necessary to continue the project.

Construction mediation helps parties resolve construction disputes before the cost of the dispute exhausts the parties' resources and destroys the business relationship. A construction mediator facilitates communication between what are often "very strong personalities," who are not interested in compromising or "splitting the difference," and guides the parties' heated debate on a journey from the unrealistic to the rational, ideally arriving at a negotiated resolution.

People have historically looked to the judicial system to resolve disputes. There are, however, alternatives, which may be better for your situation. One alternative is mediation, which allows people to resolve disputes before going to court, or instead of going to trial. Mediation seeks to provide a win-win situation. If, however, the parties are unable to resolve their dispute, they may still go to court and obtain a decision from a judge.  

Each of the 24 circuit courts in the State of Maryland has a family mediation program where contested custody and visitation cases are referred. Circuit court mediation programs provide a trained, neutral, third party to assist parties resolve their disputes. A mediator may or may not be an attorney. Attorney-mediators do not represent either party in a mediated dispute and do not provide legal advice.  

For cases which are referred by the court to mediation, the court sets the fee a mediator can charge. Currently, the fee in the State of Maryland is $200 per hour. Court ordered mediation sessions are usually scheduled for two hours. The fee is split equally between the parties. While the courts often assign a mediator to a case from the court's list of qualified mediators, parties and/or their attorneys may agree to choose their own mediator. In cases where the court does not assign a mediator, either party may request mediation through the court or hire an outside mediator.

Some of the counties have mediation programs for other issues related to divorce, such as marital property, alimony, and pension distribution. Some counties have mediation programs for civil, non-domestic cases, such as real property, environmental, employment, workers' compensation, contract and personal injury. There are also mediation programs within Orphans Courts, where disputes involving a deceased's property, such as, who gets the family photos, or the family home, are mediated.

Mediation provides the parties flexibility to resolve their dispute on their terms and often with more creativity than a judicial decision would provide. Mediation is confidential and voluntary. Unlike litigation, mediation is a non-adversarial process and therefore allows relationships to be maintained and sometimes even repaired, which is particularly useful where the parties in dispute are family members or people who need to continue to work together.