Maryland Mediation Blog

When we think about the end of life hospitals, tubes, machines, doctors, nurses, social workers, clergy and family may come to mind. In this country, most people today die in old age of degenerative diseases or cancer, as opposed to the infections and epidemics of a century ago.

The stress of the impending death of a family member may bring family together or alternatively drive them apart. These behaviors may be influenced by what family members know before their loved one’s death, or what they learn after the death. The choices of a dying family member may catapult family into conflict, e.g., the choice to be cremated instead of buried.

Facing death one may be dealing with personal conflict. The conflict may not be something about which the dying person can freely speak. Therefore, family may not be the first place to turn. Working with the dying is demanding and spiritually rewarding. Listening patiently is the most important part of the job. I enjoy assisting people to understand the issues they face and make decisions.

An elderly man was dying of cancer. He never formally identified with a religion. He knew of his heritage, but had not discussed it with his family. His children had been raised in his wife’s religion. I had the opportunity to visit with him several times before his death. He wanted to learn about his religion and he did not want to speak to a member of the clergy.

One evening I visited him. He looked the same as he did the last time I had visited, which was not awful. As usual he was alert. He wanted to talk about God and for the first time he asked me to pray with him. He wanted to say the central prayer of his religion. We prayed together. Later that night he died in his sleep. I am grateful for the opportunity to have shared that time with him.

Saying goodbye to family or friends who die in old age is very sad. When death takes a young parent the loss is too painful to understand. Where terminal illness rather than an accident claims the life of a young parent, there may be time to make decisions regarding the end of life, e.g., guardianship of children who have no surviving parent, or guardianship of the children's property when the divorced and dying parent does not want the surviving parent to have access to, or control of, the property or assets left to the minor children.

When the dying person is certain who he wants to have control of his children's lives or their property, he may so designate his wishes in his Will. If however, he does not share his intentions with family who would assume this responsibility might become theirs, e.g., grandparents or surviving biological parent, prior to his death, his wishes may cause conflict when he passes away. Consider, before his death, the dying parent who executed a Will and appointed his best friend executor of his estate, and another trusted friend trustee and guardian of the property of the minor children. The deceased purposely excluded his parents and the children's mother from any responsibility related to the children or their property. The children's mother had been estranged from her in-laws prior to the death of the children's father, from whom the mother was divorced. With her ex-husband's death, the children's mother had to go to the children's trustee and ask for additional sums of money as needed.

The grandparents, who were already devastated by the loss of their son, were further hurt when they realized they had no control of their grandchildren's lives or property, and they would have to go through their estranged daughter-in-law in order to communicate or visit with their grandchildren. Further, the grandparents had no idea who the friends were who were appointed executor and trustee and whether they would act in their grandchildren's best interest.

Unable to save their son, and devastated by their loss, the surviving parents who learned they had no control over their grandchildren's lives hired an attorney.

Mediation rather than litigation was ideal for this family. The grandparents, daughter-in-law and son's friends had a significant issue in common; the welfare of the minor children. Continuing to travel a path of alienation, the parties were unable to communicate civilly or rationally. Mediation assisted them to confidentially communicate and vent emotions, discuss the issues that concerned each party, get rid of some misconceptions, and to learn communication skills to help them discuss concerns in the future.

Your responses to the postings on this blog are tremendous. Thank you to all the readers who have shared their thoughts and opinions with me. Your emails are appreciated. However, the Viagra and Cialis spammers, we could do without.

Fortunately, our internet presence, i.e., the blog, MarylandMediationBlog.com, and the website, MdMediator.com, continue to attract people who choose to explore the benefits of mediation prior to, during, or instead of, litigation.

Many of the participants in my Maryland mediation practice choose mediation when a marriage is on the rocks. Mediation is a sensible and dignified alternative for parties who are unraveling the business that is their marriage. Almost equally divided these days are the couples I see with and without children. The couples without children seek to settle property disputes, such as the division of real estate and other valuable assets. Couples with children are usually focused on the issues of child custody, visitation, child support, and spousal (alimony) awards. With children or without, mediation helps couples preserve assets rather than exhaust college or retirement funds during protracted litigation.

Sprinkled throughout the mix of mediation participants are those who have disputes related to collection of business debts, dissolution of small businesses, breach of contract, conflicts with neighbors, and employer - employee issues.

Participants in mediation are usually at different places emotionally at different times. Emotions may present a significant road block to negotiation, which is necessary for dispute resolution. Mediation, though arduous at times is especially rewarding when you are able to push forward past the emotion and move toward resolution. I look forward to your continued comments and assisting with the challenges that your disputes present.

Small conflicts between neighbors often mushroom into full blown disputes which prevent homeowners from fully enjoying their properties. Neighbors may be in conflict related to fallen trees, misplaced fences, barking dogs, and property lines, to name a few.

Neighbors must live with each other during the conflict and afterward. Mediation brings neighbors ("parties") together for confidential dispute resolution. Mediation is faster than litigation. A skilled mediator can handle strong personalities and assist the parties to resolve their dispute.

In my Maryland mediation practice a conflict was presented. A forty year old established neighborhood had open spaces as well as areas populated by dense trees. The original "settlers" were empty nesters. Some of them moved and sold their homes to "young" families. Eventually, the owner of a large open space sold it to developers who built large custom homes. Some of those homes shared a property line with the original homes.

A family (#2) with school aged children moved into one of the custom homes. One of the "young" families (#1) who lived in the original neighborhood enjoyed playing in the open space and were also excited to learn there would be children their ages moving into the new home (#2) behind their home (#1).

However, father #2 became enraged when the children of father #1 walked onto yard #2. Father #2 confronted father #1 and told him to keep his children off property #2. Father #1 attempted to comply with the wishes of father #2. However, occasionally when children #1 played ball or frisbee their toys rolled or flew into yard #2. Father #1 then retrieved the toys from yard #2.

One morning prior to 8 a.m. there came a knock at the door of home #1. In an otherwise very peaceful neighborhood, two policemen stood and explained to father #1 the wisdom of making sure he and his family never set foot again on the property of father #2.

Mediation is a terrific tool for neighbors in conflict or full blown dispute. Ideally neighbors will have peaceful and ongoing relationships. Mediation helps maintain ongoing relationships, assists neighbors to negotiate resolutions to existing conflicts, and provides communication skills to assist neighbors to work together peacefully to avoid future disputes.