Maryland Mediation Blog

Parents and adult children often live in different parts of the country. My Maryland mediation practice receives calls from families in need of assistance with elder issues.Telephone mediation is especially helpful for families facing issues that some or all need to weigh in on, or discuss. That is, when there are multiple decision makers living in different places.

Brother and his wife, who are in their late 60's live in Minnesota. They have a sister, in her late 70's who lives in Indiana. Indiana sister never married and had no children. Indiana sister had an acute medical problem and was hospitalized for more than a week. When she was ready to be discharged from the hospital, she wanted to return to her home, but she was unable to care for herself and needed assistance.Minnesota brother and Indiana sister had another sister and her husband, who were also in their 70's who also lived in Indiana, but two hours away from needy Indiana sister.

Healthy Indiana sister felt compelled to manage the care of needy Indiana sister. But, the husband of healthy Indiana sister also had medical problems that required healthy Indiana sister's supervision. Minnesota brother and his wife saw the writing on the wall before needy Indiana sister was hospitalized this time. They had been asking needy Indiana sister to move to Minnesota. They had researched assisted living communities in Minnesota and thought they found the ideal location for needy Indiana sister. However, needy Indiana sister was not interested in leaving her home or Indiana.

Healthy Indiana sister felt strongly needy Indiana sister should stay in State and near where she's used to living. Healthy Indiana sister also researched assisted living communities in Indiana. Healthy Indiana sister and Minnesota brother were stressed and had many heated discussions about what was best for needy sister. At times Minnesota's wife and healthy Indiana's husband weighed in on the situation. More often then not the conversations erupted in conflict. Efforts were misunderstood and feelings were hurt. Meanwhile needy Indiana sister was discharged from the hospital to a rehabilitation center.

At wits end, healthy Indiana sister contacted me for help. "Shuttle diplomacy" (third party intermediary) was necessary to get the siblings talking again about needy Indiana sister's care and living arrangements. Needy Indiana sister was moved into an assisted living community in Indiana. Healthy Indiana sister visits regularly. Minnesota brother visits several times a year and otherwise keeps in regular contact by phone. Earlier this month all the siblings and spouses met in Wisconsin.

I am a mediator with a practice based in the State of Maryland. I am committed to providing a safe environment where my clients can speak without duress or fear and where they may negotiate a resolution to their conflict or dispute.

Every week I am contacted by individuals who want to mediate individual, family, and business conflicts. Many of the people who contact me are interested in domestic, or family mediation. These people want to discuss issues related to separation, child custody, child support, visitation, spousal support (alimony) and/or property settlement.

Before agreeing to meet people (a/k/a "parties") for mediation, I gather information in order to determine whether or not I am the right mediator for them. Among other things, I attempt to determine whether there is a history of violence or abuse between the parties.

People who batter, terrorize, or otherwise abuse do so to maintain control and power. Where there is a history of violence or abuse, the victim is controlled by the abuser and may not be free to "participate" in mediation.

A victim of abuse who attends mediation with an abuser, may not be free to reveal the truth about the relationship without the threat of retaliation. If both parties cannot freely participate, a negotiated resolution is not possible. Additionally, the victim may be in danger  entering or leaving the premises.

Mediation seeks to level the playing field, i.e., to make sure the parties to the dispute have equal power to negotiate a settlement. Where abuse is present there is an imbalance of power. The abuser has the power and may threaten the victim to obtain the desired outcome.

Mediation is a terrific process for dispute resolution where the parties have equal power and can safely negotiate. However, the mediation process may not be the ideal method of dispute resolution where the imbalance of power is related to violence and abuse. Therefore, I choose not to mediate disputes between parties with a history of violence or abuse.

While relationships may propel people to the heights of pleasure, relationships may just as easily plunge people to the depths of despair. At both ends of the emotional spectrum people may be faced with difficult decisions. In my Maryland mediation practice I meet with individuals who need help with decision making.

Sometimes when two people are in conflict, one suggests mediation and the other will not consider it. The inability to get another to attend mediation with you should not stop you from participating in the mediation process or meeting with a mediator for help with decision making. A mediator, I do not make decisions for people. I assist people to identify issues relevant to their conflict, and to negotiate the decision making process.

A man and woman, married, but not to each other, had a relationship. They shared a residence.The woman became pregnant. When the baby was born the relationship between the man and the woman was no longer in the "honeymoon" phase.

Man bonded to baby and enjoyed being a father. However, there were growing differences between father and mother. When father and mother had a disagreement, mother threatened to leave residence and take baby with her. The threats usually served to end any disagreements.

After an argument one day, mother packed up baby and went home to husband. Boyfriend attempted to talk to mother about seeing baby. Mother would only allow visitation with baby if father agreed to all of mother's demands including disclosing his whereabouts at all times. Unwilling to agree to mother's demands, boyfriend was unable to see baby until mother left husband again and moved back with boyfriend.

In the interim, boyfriend went out with male friend, who asked boyfriend if he knew for certain whether the child was biologically his. Despite the fact mother was married throughout the relationship, boyfriend assumed he was the father of the baby. Male friend told boyfriend he should order a paternity test kit online. Boyfriend struggled with conflict between the bond he had with baby and the misery he had with baby's mother.

Boyfriend brought his struggle to a neutral third party. Mediation is a process whereby issues relevant to a conflict are identified. The process works for individuals as well as couples and groups. Alternatives for resolution are discussed and weighed with the hope that a resolution will be reached. Individuals may meet alone with a mediator to discuss a conflict and to obtain assistance negotiating alternatives for resolution.

Psychologists and mediators assist families going through divorce. Couples may choose to mediate the issues of divorce, including child custody and visitation, rather than litigate these issues in court. Psychologists with an expertise in parent-child relationships and the impact of divorce on children are extremely helpful to couples facing divorce, So, too, is a mediator when capable of handling the most "difficult" personalities.

Couples who are already involved in litigation may choose to participate in mediation, which is less stressful and more cost effective than litigation. Fighting in court worsens already bad relationships.

In my Maryland practice I work with psychologists who assist parents to understand the impact of divorce on children. The psychologists also evaluate the relationships between parents and children, which is significant to the outcome of child custody and visitation arrangements.

As a mediator, I am a neutral third party. I do not decide which parent should or should not have primary physical child custody. I assist couples to discuss the issues relevant to child custody and visitation, and examine and negotiate possible child custody and visitation arrangements. I also draft separation agreements.

Even if your relationship as a couple is ending, your relationship as parents is not. Mediation helps parents maintain communication and the relationship necessary to parent together. If you go to court one party will win and the other will lose. That might be your intention, however someone has to lose and there is no guarantee it will not be you.

Litigation increases acrimony between couples. Children become unintended victims of the process. Ideally, in mediation both parties are winners when they finish mediation having achieved some of their objectives and compromised on others. Mediation allows you to maintain control of the outcome of your dispute. You do not need to leave your fate in the hands of a stranger in a black robe. You and your co-parent can, without government intervention (a judge) make decisions regarding child custody and visitation which will serve the best interests of your children.

It never ceases to amaze me that every homeowner I know wants and expects to enjoy his or her own property. So, if this is true, why are there so many neighbors who can't enjoy their property because another neighbor while enjoying his/her property has ruined it for another? I mean, if I am enjoying my property, then I must have some idea how important it is for my neighbor to enjoy his/her property. And if my neighbors enjoy their properties then why aren't their neighbors able to enjoy their respective properties on down the block?

A neighbor spends hours working on his garden and lawn. He sees his next door neighbor spend hours working on her yard. It stands to reason the first neighbor has some appreciation for a nice looking lawn. After all, he spent hours in the beginning of the season working on his. However, large brown patches soon multiplied on his lawn. Then they moved next door to her lawn. Now both lawns look like a bad advertisement for urine resistant blue grass.

At least these lawn worries stayed outside. Copy that scenario and add a common wall between the houses. The next scenario has one neighbor with a home based business pulling out his hair while he tries to work at home all day and his neighbor's dog on the other side of the wall barks all day.

Yet another set of neighbors in a stately old neighborhood are mixing it up because he made a do-it-yourself change to his property which caused his neighbor's property and home to flood during heavy rain. Mr. Do-It-Yourself was approached by Mr. I-Keep-Getting-Flooded, and did not see the wisdom in fixing the problem he created.

Mediation is a safe, confidential way for neighbors to address their grievances with one another before their differences escalate to full blown dispute and they end up facing each other in court. Rather than quietly seethe with frustration, exhibit hostility, or react violently toward one another while waiting months to get into a courtroom, neighbors can quickly address and resolve these issues in mediation.