Maryland Mediation Blog

Separation and divorce causes palpable family stress. Parents' and teens' behavior may be uniquely altered during this life changing event. When parents separate and divorce boundaries within the family may become blurred and/or violated. Parent-Teen Mediation assists parents and teens recognize and honor boundaries that may be violated when parents separate and divorce, including, but not limited to "recruiting" teens to fight parental battles, and exposing teens to inappropriate/non age appropriate "adult" matters.

When they are separating and divorcing, parents may attempt to get their teen(s) to a therapist. However, teens may have a preconceived notion about people who are in therapy,  and therefore may refuse to speak to a therapist. In Parent-Teen Mediation, trained adults and teens serve as co-mediators. A teen who refuses to speak to a therapist, may be willing to open up and speak to a teen mediator. 

In my Maryland mediation practice Parent-Teen Mediation is not a replacement for therapy. Parent-Teen Mediation provides a safe environment where parents and teens openly discuss their individual needs and issues. Parent-Teen Mediation provides a forum for parents to "hear" teens as they previously may not have. Parents and teens in mediation discuss how each affects the other, as well as ways to deal with problem issues including parents' decision to separate and divorce.

While parents pursue divorce mediation alone (parents only), to discuss issues relevant to separation and divorce, a parent, or the parents may bring the teen(s) to Parent-Teen mediation to discuss issues relevant to the parent-teen relationship. Parent-Teen Mediation assists the family in conflict to think outside the box and find creative ways to meet the needs of parents and teens. Parent-Teen Mediation helps families change how the family communicates. While parents and teens may never see eye-to-eye on issues, Parent-Teen Mediation assists parents and teens acknowledge the existence of conflict, the needs of each other, and communicate more effectively.

In my Maryland mediation practice I mediate in divorce, post- divorce matters, as well as  parent-teen conflicts. Divorce is overwhelmingly stressful, and challenges even the healthiest parents. A common thread in many disputes, not only divorce, is the observation of boundaries, or the limits people set to protect themselves. When adults do not observe boundaries they can choose to remedy the situation. However, parents who are emotionally challenged or compromised may not ensure that children's boundaries are observed.

Children do not become suspended in a vacuum while parents are in crisis mode. While divorce takes a toll on parents' emotional resources, children, more than ever, need the support and guidance of stable, mature parents. When parents' lives are in turmoil, they must be especially careful to observe boundaries, i.e., where their lives and problems end and their children begin. Parents must consistently observe boundaries in order to protect children and promote children's emotional health.

The new roles thrust upon children when parents divorce may cause depression and significantly increase anger in children. When parents divorce, a son may become the "man" around the house. While he may not have given much thought to whether or not Mom and Dad were doing "it," he will have thoughts about the new man in Mom's bedroom. Pre-divorce, a teenage daughter's worries may have been her skin, hair, clothes, and friends. Post divorce she may be thrust into the role of Mom or Dad's confidant. However, her parents' decree of divorce did not suddenly provide her the maturity to deal with her parents' adult issues.

It is critical that parents keep in mind they are adults and children are not. Adolescents have difficulty expressing their anger appropriately. A teen may act as if he or she understands what happened to his or her parents' relationship. That does not change the fact a teen is powerless to do anything about it. A teen has no power to control what happens between his or her parents.  The line between adult and child may become blurred and children may engage in activities that are inappropriate for their age, e.g., drinking and/or driving, drug use, and sex.

Some children may appear gifted, or precocious when it comes to maturity and understanding. However, exposing children to the details of their parents' marital relationship, its dissolution, parents' emotional issues and/or their sex lives puts more stress on children than they are emotionally able to handle. In order for parents to ensure children grow to observe and honor their own boundaries as well as others', parents must set the example and honor children's boundaries.

One would expect when a relationship ends, the parties "disengage." Instead this is often when the war begins. This is especially true when one party was ready, and terminated the relationship, leaving the former partner shocked and/or not ready to end the relationship.

When a former partner is not ready to end a relationship, the party who ended the relationship may continue to receive unwanted communication from the former partner. Goodwill may prevail and the party who ended the relationship may respond to the former partner. However, a condition of response may be respect of boundaries by the former partner. An example of respecting boundaries may be the former partner agreeing not to bring up emotional issues, or only discussing business issues.

When the party who ended the relationship is bombarded by the former partner with issues that cross the line, i.e., dishonor the boundaries, total disengagement may be necessary. The former partner may be unable to understand or deal with total disengagement, and in fact escalate behavior in an effort to engage the party who ended the relationship. Depending on the escalation of behavior there are a number of alternatives.

Mediation offers each party an opportunity to accomplish their objectives. The mediator is a neutral third party who can help the parties communicate. The party who ended the relationship may need to acknowledge that the former partner has emotional issues related to the termination of the relationship. The former partner may need to acknowledge there are issues which violate the boundaries of the party who ended the relationship.

By definition, the mediator, a neutral third party, should not have an association with either party. Parties in conflict do themselves a disservice when they ask a family member, friend, or co-worker to mediate. A trained mediator, who does not have an association with either party is qualified to assist the parties communicate effectively and resolve conflict.

When a relationship ends, so too should the war. Parties who disengage do not continue to do battle. Mediation assists parties who are terminating relationships to unravel domestic and/or business relationships, which makes the business of disengaging less complicated. The  communication skills used in mediation benefit former domestic and/or business partners which allows them to move forward and not perpetuate the war.

Have you noticed your conflict with the ex has not ended, even though you have a divorce decree? Conflict will not necessarily stop simply because you are legally divorced, or in the case of domestic partners, just because you are no longer together. In all likelihood if you are ex's, have contact with each other, and share minor children, you will have conflict after the divorce.

The more contentious the divorce, the higher the level of conflict. The amount of continued anger post divorce may influence how post divorce conflict is handled and how ex's relate to each other. This is significant to ex's who need to cooperatively co-parent.

Learning to communicate with your ex related to your children promotes a cooperative working relationship, an essential for healthy co-parenting. Ex's may dispute numerous issues, e.g., child rearing in separate homes, child support, visitation, and the impact of each ex's new relationships on the children.

"Stirring the pot," i.e., maintaining the anger keeps the ex's engaged in battle. Battling is an unhealthy way for ex's who cannot let go to remain "engaged." Ex's who are able to disengage  work together more effectively to resolve conflict. Ex's who are used to approaching conflict with frustration and anger find it difficult after divorce to discuss matters in a less emotional, or more business-like manner.

Ex's who share minor children participate in mediation as an alternative to litigation to resolve post divorce issues. Ex's committed to effective communication, and "damage control" with respect to the children learn, through mediation to resolve conflict. Ex's who can work together cooperatively are better adjusted, mentally healthier, and better able to co-parent.