In my Maryland mediation practice I mediate in divorce, post- divorce matters, as well as parent-teen conflicts. Divorce is overwhelmingly stressful, and challenges even the healthiest parents. A common thread in many disputes, not only divorce, is the observation of boundaries, or the limits people set to protect themselves. When adults do not observe boundaries they can choose to remedy the situation. However, parents who are emotionally challenged or compromised may not ensure that children's boundaries are observed.
Children do not become suspended in a vacuum while parents are in crisis mode. While divorce takes a toll on parents' emotional resources, children, more than ever, need the support and guidance of stable, mature parents. When parents' lives are in turmoil, they must be especially careful to observe boundaries, i.e., where their lives and problems end and their children begin. Parents must consistently observe boundaries in order to protect children and promote children's emotional health.
The new roles thrust upon children when parents divorce may cause depression and significantly increase anger in children. When parents divorce, a son may become the "man" around the house. While he may not have given much thought to whether or not Mom and Dad were doing "it," he will have thoughts about the new man in Mom's bedroom. Pre-divorce, a teenage daughter's worries may have been her skin, hair, clothes, and friends. Post divorce she may be thrust into the role of Mom or Dad's confidant. However, her parents' decree of divorce did not suddenly provide her the maturity to deal with her parents' adult issues.
It is critical that parents keep in mind they are adults and children are not. Adolescents have difficulty expressing their anger appropriately. A teen may act as if he or she understands what happened to his or her parents' relationship. That does not change the fact a teen is powerless to do anything about it. A teen has no power to control what happens between his or her parents. The line between adult and child may become blurred and children may engage in activities that are inappropriate for their age, e.g., drinking and/or driving, drug use, and sex.
Some children may appear gifted, or precocious when it comes to maturity and understanding. However, exposing children to the details of their parents' marital relationship, its dissolution, parents' emotional issues and/or their sex lives puts more stress on children than they are emotionally able to handle. In order for parents to ensure children grow to observe and honor their own boundaries as well as others', parents must set the example and honor children's boundaries.
