Maryland Mediation Blog

Couples who choose to mediate and who agree on terms for settlement of issues, such as child custody, visitation, division of marital property, including home, money, pensions, and other property, should obtain legal advice before signing a final agreement. As part of my Maryland mediation practice I suggest that each party hire his/her own attorney to review the agreement. However, the process of getting to an agreement can be yours free of attorneys.

Mediation is a cost effective, and confidential process which is very helpful for couples trying to get to "yes," that is, trying to resolve issues necessary in order to move forward with their lives. Couples may schedule an introductory session to meet the mediator together, or separately, and decide whether or not mediation is right for them. If a couple decides to proceed with mediation, they will usually need between one and four sessions, each about two hours, to work out the terms of an agreement.

A mediator is a neutral third party who assists couples discuss the list of issues on which they cannot agree; explore various possibilities for resolving each issue; consider which possibilities are most likely to work for them; and to reach a final agreement.

After the couple finishes their mediation sessions, the mediator can draft a document which memorializes the terms of the agreement. The document details with specificity the arrangements the couple chose. Once the couple signs the document they have a binding contract. If one or the other violates the terms of the agreement the party who was violated may bring it to the attention of the other and request the violation be cured. If that is unsuccessful, the parties can return to mediation. A mediator can assist the parties to resolve the violation, however, the mediator does not have the power to enforce the terms of the agreement. If the couple are not able to resolve the matter of the violation of the agreement through mediation, the party who was "damaged" may choose to seek a remedy from the court.

Even partners who split on good terms have difficulty coping with change. It is possible for you and your partner, on your own, to decide how to handle the issues which must be resolved. However, sitting down and having a "civilized" conversation with your partner may be more than you can handle. Couples who are unable to engage in civilized discussion may have disagreements which escalate to full blown disputes. At that time couples may find themselves involved with the legal system.

Mediation is an alternative method of dispute resolution that is useful when you are separating from a marriage, a civil union, or living with someone. Mediation allows you and your partner to meet face-to-face to discuss arrangements for your future. Mediation is confidential and provides an environment where both parties can feel safe discussing their situation and exploring scenarios for settlement. Mediation is especially helpful if you have children.

A mediator assists couples talk to each other. The more comfortable parents are talking to each other the healthier the situation is for the children. Parents who are comfortable talking to each other make separation easier for children.

A mediator is a neutral third party. Mediators do not give legal advice or decide issues. In my Maryland mediation practice I assist couples put strong emotions on the side and discuss practical solutions for difficult issues, such as children, home, money, and other property.

Couples who are unable to discuss issues with each other may end up spending a lot of money for attorneys to negotiate a settlement for them. If the couple is still unable to resolve their issues with attorneys, the couple will have a stranger, a judge, decide their future. Couples who want to maintain control of their future choose mediation.

A type of psychotherapy, marriage counseling allows couples to discuss their relationship, and how they feel about it. Marriage counseling provides treatment for a spectrum of behavioral, mental, and emotional problems. Marriage counseling is most successful when a couple is still in love, wants to save their relationship, and is open to
therapy.

Mediation is not psychotherapy. It is not marriage counseling. Mediation during separation and divorce helps couples find and negotiate solutions to issues related to the unraveling of their relationship, for example: Parenting i.e., custody, visitation and support; Property i.e., the division of marital property (real estate, and personal), assets, pensions, and debt; Insurance i.e., health, life, and auto; Taxes i.e., filing, and refunds; and Spousal support i.e., alimony.

In my Maryland mediation practice I initially meet with both parties simultaneously. A neutral and impartial third party, I will not, prior to meeting the couple, speak to either party alone.

Couples who choose to mediate during separation or divorce are often able to reach an agreement after three to four mediation sessions. Each session is two hours in length. Couples are directed to visit and read Mdmediator.com to find answers to their mediation questions prior to scheduling mediation. Additionally, earlier articles published throughout this blog, which are easily accessed in the "Monthly Archives" section on the right margin of the blog are helpful, as well as the January 19, 2009, article, (scroll down the page after clicking on the link), "What Happens During Mediation?"

After reading Mdmediator.com as well as the articles published on this blog, couples who continue to have questions about mediation may schedule an introductory mediation session to meet me and ask questions. Prior to contacting my office, please speak to each other and make a list of three or four dates and times you are both available. With that information in hand, then contact my office and schedule a day or evening mediation session.

In my Maryland mediation practice I mediate in divorce, post- divorce matters, as well as  parent-teen conflicts. Divorce is overwhelmingly stressful, and challenges even the healthiest parents. A common thread in many disputes, not only divorce, is the observation of boundaries, or the limits people set to protect themselves. When adults do not observe boundaries they can choose to remedy the situation. However, parents who are emotionally challenged or compromised may not ensure that children's boundaries are observed.

Children do not become suspended in a vacuum while parents are in crisis mode. While divorce takes a toll on parents' emotional resources, children, more than ever, need the support and guidance of stable, mature parents. When parents' lives are in turmoil, they must be especially careful to observe boundaries, i.e., where their lives and problems end and their children begin. Parents must consistently observe boundaries in order to protect children and promote children's emotional health.

The new roles thrust upon children when parents divorce may cause depression and significantly increase anger in children. When parents divorce, a son may become the "man" around the house. While he may not have given much thought to whether or not Mom and Dad were doing "it," he will have thoughts about the new man in Mom's bedroom. Pre-divorce, a teenage daughter's worries may have been her skin, hair, clothes, and friends. Post divorce she may be thrust into the role of Mom or Dad's confidant. However, her parents' decree of divorce did not suddenly provide her the maturity to deal with her parents' adult issues.

It is critical that parents keep in mind they are adults and children are not. Adolescents have difficulty expressing their anger appropriately. A teen may act as if he or she understands what happened to his or her parents' relationship. That does not change the fact a teen is powerless to do anything about it. A teen has no power to control what happens between his or her parents.  The line between adult and child may become blurred and children may engage in activities that are inappropriate for their age, e.g., drinking and/or driving, drug use, and sex.

Some children may appear gifted, or precocious when it comes to maturity and understanding. However, exposing children to the details of their parents' marital relationship, its dissolution, parents' emotional issues and/or their sex lives puts more stress on children than they are emotionally able to handle. In order for parents to ensure children grow to observe and honor their own boundaries as well as others', parents must set the example and honor children's boundaries.

When a couple with children separates or divorces the children are the unwittting victims. The end of the relationship as a couple puts tremendous stress on children as well as on parents. While the relationship of a couple may be terminating, the couples' jobs as parents is not. Parental "job performance" has lasting effects on children.

In my Maryland mediation practice I assist couples to negotiate the issue of child custody. As a mediator, I am a neutral third party. I do not decide who gets the children. Parents of young children may have an especially agonizing decision.The couple desperately want to be free of each other, yet they each want to tuck young children in bed every night. Sometimes a couple divides custody of children as the couple divided their personal property. Where children are older, parents may agree to a trial period of custody at each parent's home, after which the children are allowed to decide where they want to live.

If two parents can sit in the same room and speak rationally to each other about child custody, they have an advantage. They may not end up in the court system. If, however, the couple needs a little help working out the issue of child custody, mediation is an ideal process to assist two parents willing to work with one another on the issue of child custody.

Couples who cannot sit together, or work with a mediator to discuss the issue of child custody may end up resorting to a stressful and expensive alternative; that is, litigation. When a couple engages in litigation, one or both may come away with much less than he or she imagined possible.

If you believe your argument for obtaining custody of your child is the best, or strongest, and you are represented by an attorney, consider the fact that your partner or spouse may also believe his or her argument is the strongest, and may also be represented by an attorney. It is risky for two parents to go into court unable to decide the issue of child custody. That couple is essentially asking a total stranger to decide the fate of the parents and the children.

There is no need for parents to place themselves in such a vulnerable position. Mediation is a safe, confidential alternative to litigation. What goes on in mediation is not a matter of public record. During mediation, no one enters the room except the couple and the mediator. If the couple agree to bring attorneys, accountants, or other advisers, they too may accompany the couple.

Should you choose to litigate the issue of child custody in court, you should know it is not confidential. The court room is open to the public. Anyone may enter and listen. Your litigation is a matter of public record.

Few things are more frustrating than a dispute hanging over your head. However, if you choose to mediate, you may schedule mediation much sooner than a court date. With the assistance of a mediator, the issue of child custody can be resolved before you could even obtain a date for a hearing in court.

A mediator can assist a separating couple discuss and resolve the issues relevant to separation in a respectful and dignified manner. A mediator is not a judge and does not decide the outcome of your dispute. Rather the mediator assists you to explore your options, negotiate, and resolve issues in mediation.

A mediator is able to draft a separation agreement for you and your spouse. Once signed the separation agreement is a binding contract which describes all the issues you and your spouse discussed and the resolution or agreement made for each issue.

If you and/or your spouse files for divorce, you may include your separation agreement and ask the court to recognize the agreements you already made.

A title company may require a separation agreement (among other documents), to take the name of one spouse off the title of the marital home.

Cash flow is often a concern when couples are separating. Some couples consider what it will cost for each of them to retain an attorney.

In my Maryland mediation practice, I am frequently asked how long mediation takes and how long it takes to draft a separation agreement. I explain it is variable depending on how much "homework" you do before you come to mediation and in between each session. It stands to reason, the more you are able to resolve on your own, the less time you will spend in mediation. The more information you are able to provide the mediator during mediation, the less time it will take to draft your separation agreement.

A couple who would rather preserve their assets, e.g., cash, retirement investments, and/or childrens' college fund need not spend it all litigating (hiring attorneys and arguing in court), the terms of a separation agreement. Many couples choose to split the cost of a mediator and save significant time and expense.

When ending a marriage plans must be made, i.e, how property, both real estate and personal, will be divided; if there are children, with whom they will live; if one parent will have primary physical custody of the children, who will it be and what will be the schedule of visitation for the other parent; how much child support will be paid; and if spousal support (alimony) will be paid, the amount. Mediation is a useful tool at this time. It allows a couple to discuss their issues confidentially and in a respectful and dignified manner. Mediation is quicker than litigation, less stressful, and also saves money.

In my Maryland mediation practice, I seldom see two members of a couple who are both ready to separate at the same time. Usually one party (#1) wants to leave the home, or get the other party (#2) to leave. Party #1 may be sensitive to the fear and sadness of party #2, but has reached the end of the line and cannot try any longer. Meanwhile party #2 articulates his/her love for party #1 and wants to work it out.

The situation is painful for both parties. They are not in the same place emotionally at the same time. Emotions affect negotiations.

A skilled mediator manages the emotions expressed by the parties, keeps the mediation under control despite any strong personalities in the room, and keeps negotiations moving forward.

Unlike marriage counseling, mediation is not the place to launch into a "he said, she said" dialogue and reexamine the wrongs previously done to one party by the other. Mediation is forward thinking. A mediator assists the parties to identify issues needing resolution, find options and possible solutions, and negotiate an agreement which will facilitate the parties living separate lives.

If you are not ready, no time is a good time to end a relationship. If you are ready, or if your spouse has told you s/he is ready, while you are not ready to separate, mediation can help you resolve issues and create a plan during this very scarey and stressful time.

I am an attorney and a mediator. My law and my mediation practices are located in the State of Maryland. Both my law and mediation practices have a web presence. The two practices have separate websites.

Recently, I received a call from a married man in Maryland. The man stated he is seeking to separate from his wife and needs advice about separation and divorce. He also stated he wants to participate in mediation. But, he is not sure his wife will agree to participate in mediation, and therefore he wants to consult with an attorney first.

I was not sure whether the man on the telephone found me through the legal or the mediation website, this blog, or a referral from another client. I asked him if he called me related to mediation. He said he did. I asked if he wanted to hire me as his mediator. He said he did. Then, I asked if he knew I am an attorney. He said he did. I asked him if he wanted me to provide him with legal advice. He said he wanted to meet with me and have a legal consultation about separation and divorce in case mediation did not work out.

After clarifying the man's intentions, I was compelled to tell him, I could not provide him with legal advice regarding separation and divorce and then switch hats and be the impartial mediator for him and his wife. Additionally, I mentioned I cannot be a mediator for him and his wife, and then become his attorney, if he and his wife are unable to reach an agreement in mediation.

I would violate legal and mediation ethics if I were to meet the man and provide legal consultation, then attempt to mediate for him and his wife. Cautious to limit what the man told me regarding the details of his marriage, I suggested he contact another attorney for a legal consultation. Then I invited him to contact me again if he and his wife decide to pursue mediation.

Mediation is a sensible alternative for couples with irreconcilable differences who choose to unravel the business that was their relationship.

Mediation allows couples to get on with the rest of their lives sooner. The mediation process takes less time, and costs less money than litigation.

While a couple with children may be ending a relationship as spouses, the couple will continue to be parents for years to come. Parents who care for the best interest of their children work to reduce their children's exposure to their parents' dispute and to decrease their children's stress. Mediation assists parents to minimize emotional trauma to their children.
 
The issues of child custody and visitation, child and/or spousal support, and property settlement can be discussed in mediation. An agreement can be drafted by a mediator. Once signed by the parties, the agreement is binding.

Couples who have retained attorneys and begun divorce proceedings, may still use mediation to negotiate issues that will otherwise be decided by a stranger in a black robe.

In the State of Maryland couples who are divorcing are ordered to attend mediation before being able to appear in front of a judge.

The alternative to mediation, litigation, is adversarial, expensive, time consuming, and stressful. The stress often spills over onto children, friends, and co-workers.

Couples do not give up legal rights by participating in mediation before or during litigation. Furthermore, they stand to benefit with mediation because they can maintain control of the process, resolve their issues and leave mediation with a fair, practical agreement with which they are comfortable living.