Maryland Mediation Blog

Communication is essential for healthy relationships. The family is the first place we learn to communicate. The level of each family member 's growth and development influences how they communicate within the family. Furthermore the stage at which the family is, as a unit, influences the way in which they communicate. For example, newlyweds communicate differently than couples married for decades. Parents of young children communicate differently than parents of teenagers.

People who take charge, challenge authority, and take risks communicate differently than those who "go with the flow," and do not question authority. Differences in communication styles may cause conflict within families. Additionally, how family members work through issues influences their communication styles and problem solving abilities.  

The family unit is the "stage" on which the family "drama" unfolds. Each family member plays a role. How family members listen, or not, is significant with respect to the support family members give one another. Conflict may arise if members do not support one another, for example, if one parent takes a firm approach to parenting, while the other does not, and the parents disagree with one another in front of the children, problems arise and conflict is a frequent visitor. While younger children may find comfort in a firm, unchanging, family structure middle schoolers and teens are prone to act out, demand more flexibility, and expect options.

Discussing rules for bed time, bathing, homework, household chores, going out with friends, and curfews, before they are broken is helpful in establishing expectations. Similarly, explaining privileges and consequences for rules honored and broken is helpful before there is a misunderstanding. Meeting at meal times, or an established "family time" to discuss issues such as these is an effective way to maintain healthy family communication. Whether or not children and adults agree with one another, articulating respect for each others ideas goes a long way toward maintaining healthy family relations.

In my Maryland mediation practice parents benefit from participation in mediation. They gather information and obtain communication skills which help them deal effectively with issues which trigger conflict. Mediation assists parents alter the way they manage family conflict, strengthen their ability to work together, and problem solve. Parent-teen mediation is also effective for helping families communicate as a unit rather than focusing blame on an individual family member. Furthermore, while teens and parents frequently do not agree on issues, mediation assists parents and teens deal with disagreement more peacefully and less stressfully.

Parents with minor child who separate and/or divorce, must resolve the issues of child custody and visitation. Parents acting in the best interest of their children may seek guidance related to co-parenting and how to make the transition in the family as smooth as possible. Despite the status of the parents' relationship, and the stress they are under, parents remain responsible for the care and development of their children.

Whether or not they were ever married, parents need to work together to create a mutually agreeable plan for co-parenting their children. In the State of Maryland circuit courts may order parents in contested family cases to attend mandatory parenting classes. Even if the case is not contested, the court encourages all parents who are separating to attend a co-parenting program. Most Maryland counties have co-parenting classes available. To locate a program in your county, contact the Family Support Services Coordinator at the circuit court in your county.

Co-parenting programs provide parents assistance with keeping their children healthy and safe. Course topics include the following: explaining divorce to children; the effects of divorce on children and parents; coping strategies for parents; strategies for helping children cope with change; discipline; avoiding inappropriate interactions with children; communication skills between parents, and between parents and children; problem solving; decision making; and conflict resolution. Programs also offer resources for child abuse, neglect, and domestic violence.

In my Maryland mediation practice, I assist parents develop co-parenting plans with provisions for child custody and visitation. Additionally, I assist parents discuss issues which are in dispute, and/or the modification of an existing parenting plan. A Maryland mediator, I help parents, including those with "strong personalities," communicate and make decisions which are in the best interest of their children. Skills acquired during mediation assist parents to recognize patterns of communication which spark conflict and make negotiating more difficult. Mediation helps parents learn communication skills which help them manage conflict.

For more information about mediation programs in your county, visit the Maryland Judiciary Department of Family Administration website.

Separation and divorce causes palpable family stress. Parents' and teens' behavior may be uniquely altered during this life changing event. When parents separate and divorce boundaries within the family may become blurred and/or violated. Parent-Teen Mediation assists parents and teens recognize and honor boundaries that may be violated when parents separate and divorce, including, but not limited to "recruiting" teens to fight parental battles, and exposing teens to inappropriate/non age appropriate "adult" matters.

When they are separating and divorcing, parents may attempt to get their teen(s) to a therapist. However, teens may have a preconceived notion about people who are in therapy,  and therefore may refuse to speak to a therapist. In Parent-Teen Mediation, trained adults and teens serve as co-mediators. A teen who refuses to speak to a therapist, may be willing to open up and speak to a teen mediator. 

In my Maryland mediation practice Parent-Teen Mediation is not a replacement for therapy. Parent-Teen Mediation provides a safe environment where parents and teens openly discuss their individual needs and issues. Parent-Teen Mediation provides a forum for parents to "hear" teens as they previously may not have. Parents and teens in mediation discuss how each affects the other, as well as ways to deal with problem issues including parents' decision to separate and divorce.

While parents pursue divorce mediation alone (parents only), to discuss issues relevant to separation and divorce, a parent, or the parents may bring the teen(s) to Parent-Teen mediation to discuss issues relevant to the parent-teen relationship. Parent-Teen Mediation assists the family in conflict to think outside the box and find creative ways to meet the needs of parents and teens. Parent-Teen Mediation helps families change how the family communicates. While parents and teens may never see eye-to-eye on issues, Parent-Teen Mediation assists parents and teens acknowledge the existence of conflict, the needs of each other, and communicate more effectively.

Have you noticed your conflict with the ex has not ended, even though you have a divorce decree? Conflict will not necessarily stop simply because you are legally divorced, or in the case of domestic partners, just because you are no longer together. In all likelihood if you are ex's, have contact with each other, and share minor children, you will have conflict after the divorce.

The more contentious the divorce, the higher the level of conflict. The amount of continued anger post divorce may influence how post divorce conflict is handled and how ex's relate to each other. This is significant to ex's who need to cooperatively co-parent.

Learning to communicate with your ex related to your children promotes a cooperative working relationship, an essential for healthy co-parenting. Ex's may dispute numerous issues, e.g., child rearing in separate homes, child support, visitation, and the impact of each ex's new relationships on the children.

"Stirring the pot," i.e., maintaining the anger keeps the ex's engaged in battle. Battling is an unhealthy way for ex's who cannot let go to remain "engaged." Ex's who are able to disengage  work together more effectively to resolve conflict. Ex's who are used to approaching conflict with frustration and anger find it difficult after divorce to discuss matters in a less emotional, or more business-like manner.

Ex's who share minor children participate in mediation as an alternative to litigation to resolve post divorce issues. Ex's committed to effective communication, and "damage control" with respect to the children learn, through mediation to resolve conflict. Ex's who can work together cooperatively are better adjusted, mentally healthier, and better able to co-parent.

I am a mediator with a practice based in the State of Maryland. I am committed to providing a safe environment where my clients can speak without duress or fear and where they may negotiate a resolution to their conflict or dispute.

Every week I am contacted by individuals who want to mediate individual, family, and business conflicts. Many of the people who contact me are interested in domestic, or family mediation. These people want to discuss issues related to separation, child custody, child support, visitation, spousal support (alimony) and/or property settlement.

Before agreeing to meet people (a/k/a "parties") for mediation, I gather information in order to determine whether or not I am the right mediator for them. Among other things, I attempt to determine whether there is a history of violence or abuse between the parties.

People who batter, terrorize, or otherwise abuse do so to maintain control and power. Where there is a history of violence or abuse, the victim is controlled by the abuser and may not be free to "participate" in mediation.

A victim of abuse who attends mediation with an abuser, may not be free to reveal the truth about the relationship without the threat of retaliation. If both parties cannot freely participate, a negotiated resolution is not possible. Additionally, the victim may be in danger  entering or leaving the premises.

Mediation seeks to level the playing field, i.e., to make sure the parties to the dispute have equal power to negotiate a settlement. Where abuse is present there is an imbalance of power. The abuser has the power and may threaten the victim to obtain the desired outcome.

Mediation is a terrific process for dispute resolution where the parties have equal power and can safely negotiate. However, the mediation process may not be the ideal method of dispute resolution where the imbalance of power is related to violence and abuse. Therefore, I choose not to mediate disputes between parties with a history of violence or abuse.

While relationships may propel people to the heights of pleasure, relationships may just as easily plunge people to the depths of despair. At both ends of the emotional spectrum people may be faced with difficult decisions. In my Maryland mediation practice I meet with individuals who need help with decision making.

Sometimes when two people are in conflict, one suggests mediation and the other will not consider it. The inability to get another to attend mediation with you should not stop you from participating in the mediation process or meeting with a mediator for help with decision making. A mediator, I do not make decisions for people. I assist people to identify issues relevant to their conflict, and to negotiate the decision making process.

A man and woman, married, but not to each other, had a relationship. They shared a residence.The woman became pregnant. When the baby was born the relationship between the man and the woman was no longer in the "honeymoon" phase.

Man bonded to baby and enjoyed being a father. However, there were growing differences between father and mother. When father and mother had a disagreement, mother threatened to leave residence and take baby with her. The threats usually served to end any disagreements.

After an argument one day, mother packed up baby and went home to husband. Boyfriend attempted to talk to mother about seeing baby. Mother would only allow visitation with baby if father agreed to all of mother's demands including disclosing his whereabouts at all times. Unwilling to agree to mother's demands, boyfriend was unable to see baby until mother left husband again and moved back with boyfriend.

In the interim, boyfriend went out with male friend, who asked boyfriend if he knew for certain whether the child was biologically his. Despite the fact mother was married throughout the relationship, boyfriend assumed he was the father of the baby. Male friend told boyfriend he should order a paternity test kit online. Boyfriend struggled with conflict between the bond he had with baby and the misery he had with baby's mother.

Boyfriend brought his struggle to a neutral third party. Mediation is a process whereby issues relevant to a conflict are identified. The process works for individuals as well as couples and groups. Alternatives for resolution are discussed and weighed with the hope that a resolution will be reached. Individuals may meet alone with a mediator to discuss a conflict and to obtain assistance negotiating alternatives for resolution.

Psychologists and mediators assist families going through divorce. Couples may choose to mediate the issues of divorce, including child custody and visitation, rather than litigate these issues in court. Psychologists with an expertise in parent-child relationships and the impact of divorce on children are extremely helpful to couples facing divorce, So, too, is a mediator when capable of handling the most "difficult" personalities.

Couples who are already involved in litigation may choose to participate in mediation, which is less stressful and more cost effective than litigation. Fighting in court worsens already bad relationships.

In my Maryland practice I work with psychologists who assist parents to understand the impact of divorce on children. The psychologists also evaluate the relationships between parents and children, which is significant to the outcome of child custody and visitation arrangements.

As a mediator, I am a neutral third party. I do not decide which parent should or should not have primary physical child custody. I assist couples to discuss the issues relevant to child custody and visitation, and examine and negotiate possible child custody and visitation arrangements. I also draft separation agreements.

Even if your relationship as a couple is ending, your relationship as parents is not. Mediation helps parents maintain communication and the relationship necessary to parent together. If you go to court one party will win and the other will lose. That might be your intention, however someone has to lose and there is no guarantee it will not be you.

Litigation increases acrimony between couples. Children become unintended victims of the process. Ideally, in mediation both parties are winners when they finish mediation having achieved some of their objectives and compromised on others. Mediation allows you to maintain control of the outcome of your dispute. You do not need to leave your fate in the hands of a stranger in a black robe. You and your co-parent can, without government intervention (a judge) make decisions regarding child custody and visitation which will serve the best interests of your children.

When we think about the end of life hospitals, tubes, machines, doctors, nurses, social workers, clergy and family may come to mind. In this country, most people today die in old age of degenerative diseases or cancer, as opposed to the infections and epidemics of a century ago.

The stress of the impending death of a family member may bring family together or alternatively drive them apart. These behaviors may be influenced by what family members know before their loved one’s death, or what they learn after the death. The choices of a dying family member may catapult family into conflict, e.g., the choice to be cremated instead of buried.

Facing death one may be dealing with personal conflict. The conflict may not be something about which the dying person can freely speak. Therefore, family may not be the first place to turn. Working with the dying is demanding and spiritually rewarding. Listening patiently is the most important part of the job. I enjoy assisting people to understand the issues they face and make decisions.

An elderly man was dying of cancer. He never formally identified with a religion. He knew of his heritage, but had not discussed it with his family. His children had been raised in his wife’s religion. I had the opportunity to visit with him several times before his death. He wanted to learn about his religion and he did not want to speak to a member of the clergy.

One evening I visited him. He looked the same as he did the last time I had visited, which was not awful. As usual he was alert. He wanted to talk about God and for the first time he asked me to pray with him. He wanted to say the central prayer of his religion. We prayed together. Later that night he died in his sleep. I am grateful for the opportunity to have shared that time with him.

Saying goodbye to family or friends who die in old age is very sad. When death takes a young parent the loss is too painful to understand. Where terminal illness rather than an accident claims the life of a young parent, there may be time to make decisions regarding the end of life, e.g., guardianship of children who have no surviving parent, or guardianship of the children's property when the divorced and dying parent does not want the surviving parent to have access to, or control of, the property or assets left to the minor children.

When the dying person is certain who he wants to have control of his children's lives or their property, he may so designate his wishes in his Will. If however, he does not share his intentions with family who would assume this responsibility might become theirs, e.g., grandparents or surviving biological parent, prior to his death, his wishes may cause conflict when he passes away. Consider, before his death, the dying parent who executed a Will and appointed his best friend executor of his estate, and another trusted friend trustee and guardian of the property of the minor children. The deceased purposely excluded his parents and the children's mother from any responsibility related to the children or their property. The children's mother had been estranged from her in-laws prior to the death of the children's father, from whom the mother was divorced. With her ex-husband's death, the children's mother had to go to the children's trustee and ask for additional sums of money as needed.

The grandparents, who were already devastated by the loss of their son, were further hurt when they realized they had no control of their grandchildren's lives or property, and they would have to go through their estranged daughter-in-law in order to communicate or visit with their grandchildren. Further, the grandparents had no idea who the friends were who were appointed executor and trustee and whether they would act in their grandchildren's best interest.

Unable to save their son, and devastated by their loss, the surviving parents who learned they had no control over their grandchildren's lives hired an attorney.

Mediation rather than litigation was ideal for this family. The grandparents, daughter-in-law and son's friends had a significant issue in common; the welfare of the minor children. Continuing to travel a path of alienation, the parties were unable to communicate civilly or rationally. Mediation assisted them to confidentially communicate and vent emotions, discuss the issues that concerned each party, get rid of some misconceptions, and to learn communication skills to help them discuss concerns in the future.

When parents fight, children get scared. Parents acting in the best interest of their children work to reduce conflict around their children. Mediation is an excellent way for parents to reduce conflict.

In my Maryland practice, mediation is hard work. Parents negotiate who will have primary physical custody. Some parents negotiate a cooperative agreement and attempt to share physical custody. Parents who mediate are interested in reaching a mutually agreeable plan rather than having an arrangement dictated by the court, or a stranger in a black robe.

Where it is agreed one parent will have primary physical custody, the mediation process helps parents work out a visitation schedule. In mediation parents also learn how to communicate and negotiate independently, or without a third party, which is helpful when future events arise that may cause conflict, e.g., significant changes in a parent's or child's schedule.

Child support, which parent will pay the other, and how much, is an issue that a mediator assists parents discuss in mediation. Some couples negotiate the issue of spousal support, or alimony. Property settlement, who will stay in the family home, or what will become of marital property, is also negotiated in mediation.

Parents reaching an agreement and reducing the stress to which their children are exposed is in the best interest of their children. The majority of couples can reach an agreement through mediation. Parents who do not reach a negotiated agreement may have a stranger in a black robe render a decision, spend lots of money on attorneys, end up without custody or with little visitation, and increase the resentment felt toward each another. 

Mediation is a sensible alternative for couples with irreconcilable differences who choose to unravel the business that was their relationship.

Mediation allows couples to get on with the rest of their lives sooner. The mediation process takes less time, and costs less money than litigation.

While a couple with children may be ending a relationship as spouses, the couple will continue to be parents for years to come. Parents who care for the best interest of their children work to reduce their children's exposure to their parents' dispute and to decrease their children's stress. Mediation assists parents to minimize emotional trauma to their children.
 
The issues of child custody and visitation, child and/or spousal support, and property settlement can be discussed in mediation. An agreement can be drafted by a mediator. Once signed by the parties, the agreement is binding.

Couples who have retained attorneys and begun divorce proceedings, may still use mediation to negotiate issues that will otherwise be decided by a stranger in a black robe.

In the State of Maryland couples who are divorcing are ordered to attend mediation before being able to appear in front of a judge.

The alternative to mediation, litigation, is adversarial, expensive, time consuming, and stressful. The stress often spills over onto children, friends, and co-workers.

Couples do not give up legal rights by participating in mediation before or during litigation. Furthermore, they stand to benefit with mediation because they can maintain control of the process, resolve their issues and leave mediation with a fair, practical agreement with which they are comfortable living.

If parent and teens attempt to exert their wills on one another  disagreements between the two may quickly spiral out of control. The results may be explosive.

Parents may become aware of high risk behavior, or observe an increase in preexisting high risk behaviors. Teens may feel parents do not understand and are too controlling.

Communication is a challenge, whether you are a parent or a teen. Parent-teen mediation assists parents and teens with communication. It helps parents and teens listen and hear one another, and learn about each others' needs.

A teenager who acts out may be mirroring dysfunctional behavior and/or patterns of communication seen in the family home. Family relationships can be changed by parent-teen mediation. Dysfunctional communication patterns and destructive behavior do not have to continue to strain relationships.

Parent-teen mediation minimizes blame, reduces pressure and focuses on communication between parents and teens.  If parents focus on teen behavior only, an opportunity to repair what may be dysfunctional family communication and/or behavior may be overlooked.

Parent - teen mediation is a safe place for parents and teens to explore their relationships individually and as members of a family. Parent-teen mediation facilitates effective communication between parents and teens and teaches them new ways to communicate and work through issues.

Parent-teen mediation empowers parents and teens to discuss issues which are a source of conflict, find solutions which are mutually agreeable, and learn new strategies for problem solving which will also be useful for future conflicts. 

Your relationship may be not be in need of repair. However,the divorce rate in this country is testimony to the fact people go into marriage with great expectations, and somewhere along their journey they end up going in separate directions.

Driving into marriage blinded by romantic bliss could spell disaster. However, a tune up, or preventive maintenance, before marriage may keep your marriage going a lot longer.

Clarifying issues with your beloved prior to marriage, without tip toeing around issues that are unpleasant or embarrassing may save a significant amount of money in the future as well as emotional hardship. In the "honeymoon" phase or period of romantic bliss, couples may not be as likely to discuss issues which need to be worked out prior to marriage.

The mediation process empowers couples to discuss and consider these vital issues before saying, "I do." Some of the issues which may present obstacles down the road are related to money, sex, religion and children. Equally important is a discussion of how the couple will resolve future conflict.

In private practice here in Maryland, I am a mediator, i.e., a neutral third party who assists couples identify the strengths and weaknesses of their relationships. I help couples before marriage discuss the issues which may help preserve their marriage down the road. Additionally, in mediation I help couples learn communication skills which may help them resolve future disagreements independently.

Premarital mediation is also useful prior to a couple marrying after experiencing divorce, especially when there are children from a previous marriage.